We recently had our second child, a charming boy with bags of personality and I could not be happier, that’s what I am supposed to say of course and I am thoroughly enjoying fatherhood.

I have become aware of the secret (or not so secret) war being waged by parents around the world.

Like many folks out there I have your typical 9 to 5 with the flexibility to work from home on occasion (the one good thing that came from Covid).

This means that I can help with drop offs and pick ups as our first born is currently 3 years old. This bit is important so please remember for later.

My partner has drawn the short straw (their interpretation depending how the day has gone) and is staying at home with the new born whilst our toddler is at nursery. Yes we are skint as a result of this!

The constant battle of wits revolving around the assertion that I do nothing. That my trip to office for an 8 to 10 hour shift (with drop offs and picks ups remember) amounts to nothing!

Upon my return home, I am made to feel that I have just spent the day at the Hotel Cabana, drink in hand and getting a massage.

Kids are thrust into my lap and the next shift starts with dinner, the only acceptable cuisine for my 3 year old is jam and toast unless of course you have made jam on toast at which point you are looked upon as if you are an idiot and should know better.

Then the bathing, tears getting in and then tears getting out – make your mind up! Also for a child so advanced that she can negotiate her way into our bed most nights with a second helping of milk and Moana 2 (not 1), you would think she would have mastered closing her eyes when her hair is being washed, alas I digress.

We finally get to the putting down to bed and all of sudden I become Sir Robert Helpmann having to chase her with a net whilst she cries (yes again) for my partner.

Eventually following some more negotiation whereby I have agreed to weekend viewings of bluey, paw patrol and peppa pig along with a kinder egg chaser – she sleeps.

I can now relax – oh no wait, the rest of the evening becomes a lecture on how I have done nothing and my partner does everything.

Using my powers of negotiation (that is of course where my daughter gets it from) I manage to secure acceptance that I contribute roughly 5%.

I decide to give up and take the win more often than not as the next debacle is ‘whats for dinner’ and more than once this debate has almost ended in divorce!

At first I felt deflated, I thought that something was wrong and this situation was more akin to the gulags of Siberia.

However, I have realised from speaking with other lazy useless fathers (as we are sometimes made to feel) that this is quite a normal phenomenon and yet again I fall squarely into the average paradigm of life.

As such although I still sometimes feel deflated and think this is wrong, there is no need for concern as this is the new normal for me.

Well perhaps not entirely deflated because I have the best partner and kids ever (just in case they ever see this)